Odessa, TX: Incedible as it might sound Hank Williams,Sr. appeared in front of 450 high school students at Odessa High School today. He talked for twenty minutes and then just up and disappeared. School officials immediately notified the FBI. The videotape of the assembly was confiscated by the FBI.

Bureau sources, requesting that they remain anonymous, stated they would return a copy of the tape to TonyDeanProductions as soon as they have analyzed it for authenticity. Mr Dean stated, "authenticity my ass, what about 450 eye witnesses. I videotape the High School assemblies as a public service. That tape is amazing. It is probably worth more than the Zapruder film of the Kennedy assassination. I hope the 'feebies' don't 'accidentally' erase it."

Mr. Dean also has an audiotape of the most usual High School assembly in history. We have transcribed that tape and are printing it right here in the Odessa Sentinal. You loyal subscribers will be the first to see this future Pulitzer Prize story. Here is the transcript verbatum.

"Howdy, my name is Hank Williams,Sr and although I died in my twenties I hear y'all refer to me now as old Hank. I reckon that's so ya won't confuse me with my son Hank,Jr. As you can see there's quite a family resemblance, although my boy's been poudin' away some BBQ and packin' a few extra pounds.

Well, I reckon some of you are wonderin' how I got here and such. You want to know if there is a heaven or hell and all that. I'll get to that soon but first since many of you younger people might not really know me I'll just tell ya a little about myself.

I was always a-singin' and a-dancin' as long as I can remember. When I was about 10 Roosevelt Taylor, taught my to play the mouth harp and guitar. I used to help out at his shoe shine stand. We would sing and play his songs. After about a year or so I started makin' verses of my own to go with his songs. Sometimes we would start with no song and he'd make up the first line and me the second.

I'm sorry to tell I dropped put a school quite young. Next I remember I was travellin' with a medicine show a-singin' and a-dancin' while that old quack would sell his moonshine and opium concoctions to the farmers.

Well before I could even think twice about it I was singin' on that radio show Louisana Hayride then right to the top, the Grand Ole Opery in Music City Tennessee. I did begin to drink a bit more. I also learned about another form of Opium called heroin.

When the money and fame and pressure of havin' be a-travellin' all the time and playin' in front of bigger audiences all the time I'm sorry to tell I got right fond of whiskey and hairon. They tell me I died in my Cadillac from an overdose one night somewhere outside of Montgomery, Alabama. I don't rightly remember. It just seemed like the best nights sleep I'd had in a coon's age.

When I woke up some feller with a long white beard was readin' out a the biggest dang book I ever did see. He told me I was going to a place kind a like Natchez, Mississippi. Lots of green rolling hills, big pretty trees and lots of fantastic fishing spots.

Well I said "hell, that sure does sound like heaven to me. Am I really dead or is this some kind a dream. I've had me some pretty strange dreams when I shoot that hairon".

Well, old White Beard, who reminded me a bunch of a moonshiner I met in the hills a Kentucky, said I might a been right the first time, about hell, that is. But the truth be told, he said there ain't no heaven or hell. There's just degrees of pleasure or discomfort based on what he got wrote there inhis book.

"Well shucks", I said, "I must a lived a lot more righteous life than I remember cuz it sounds like heaven to me."

There is one small drawback to your eternity, Mr Williams, you will only be allowed to make yourself a fishin' pole and use it one time a month. Furthermore, your diet will consist entirely of foods that are fat free, sugar free, caffeine free and made entirely of tofu, whatever that is.

Well, I figured if this old boy was anything like that there Kentucky moonshiner I could talk my way into a better deal. To make a long story a little shorter, he told if I entertained y'all here in "limboland", or whatever you want to call the place then I might be able to get a work furlough more often and then get a better shake on the fishin'. Schucks, I figured it was worth a try.

This here is my first furlough and the Big Guy said if I do real good I just might get to fish twice a month.

A question from the audience: "Is the Big Guy's real name Krishna, Buddha, Jehovah, God Almighty, Christ, Mother Earth, The Great Spirit or what?"

I call him Big Guy cuz I was in the shower room with him once. He ain't real tall or hefty but I reckon you boys know what I mean.

I thought I might clear up a couple of the confusions y'all seem to have about the Big Guy, and I'll soon tell ya what most folks call him. First, he got a whole buch of sons and daughters, most of spend time in what we call the other world. That's here y'all. What y'all call reality. Second, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, Moses, Krishna, Aphrodite and all the rest were his children, I'm pretty sure. So all y'all that's been killing each other cause you think your version of the Big Guy are wasting your time, your blood, and your lives.

The Big Guy himself came here only once that I heard about. He didn't create no big ruckus. He lived a fairly simple low profile life. He did have a career in film. He wasn't no Cecil B. Coupe Daville or Tallulah Bankhead or nothing like that. He worked in Jack Benny films and he was a great actor. I know this for a fact cuz every Friday and Saturday night he shows us his old movies. Just imagine folks what a sensational actor he was to be The Supreme Power in the Universe and then play them parts where he had to make his eyes real big and say, with a straight face, "feets don't fail me now"!

So most a the folks over there call him Rochester. He's a funny cat, sometimes if you ask him a question he does that eye thang and says "yessah Boss". He is definitely in charge of what y'all call The Afterlife. The only other thing we get to watch is Amos and Andy cuz a lot of his friends from this side were actors in that show. I guess y'all don't get to see that on TV no more and are his buddies hacked off. No residuals! Oh yeah, just cuz you've passed on, you still get residuals. Screen Actors Guild are still paying Reagan and he's been brain dead for 30 years, he ain't much at catchin' no catfish neither.

Oh yeah, there was one thing Rochester asked to tell y'all, "QUIT dumping your waste in the ocean"!!!

© 2000 tony92110dean@yahoo.com