I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
You are only as old as the one you feel.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet!
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that, you've got it made.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time wounds all heels.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. We're going back next week.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Women should be obscene and not heard.
You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters.
